7 Tips to Help you Let go of Guilt
I have let my guilt control me in the past and if I am being truly honest, I have yet to finesse the art of letting go. When I made mistakes, as one does, I would label myself as a bad person, even after I had made amends. I would negatively speak to myself and would never learn to deal with my guilt in a healthy way. This scenario may sound like a broken record to some people, but there are ways of dealing with our guilt in a healthy manner.
Guilt can be described as a feeling of regret. It does feel uncomfortable at times but arises due to many situations. Sometimes, we feel that we are responsible for causing harm to someone else and so we feel guilty. Other times, we can be manipulated into feeling this emotion. The key is not only being able to identify the root causes of our guilt but being able to differentiate between toxic and healthy guilt.
“Regular” guilt as I like to call it, is great. Not only does it provide a room for self reflection and growth, but it allows us to realize when we have strayed from our internal moral compass. Toxic guilt is different. This is when we move past feeling remorseful and instead, use it to make a blanket statement about our character. For instance, if I was feeling guilty about hurting my friend, calling myself a terrible person falls into the realm of experiencing toxic guilt.
Not all is lost, however, because it does not matter how long this has persisted for. There are tips we can utilize in order to deal with our feelings of remorse in a healthy manner.
Tip #1: Acknowledge your situation and find the root cause of your guilt.
Everyone says that admitting you have a problem is the first step in solving it. I could not agree with this more. I understand that feeling guilty can make a person feel discomforted but facing the issue and finding its root cause is the only way to deal with it. Ask yourself what happened to trigger this feeling of guilt. Are you being made to feel guilty about this situation? If not, what aspect of the situation results in remorse? Additionally, think about you acted in the way that you did. Were you jealous, angry, or
not thinking straight? Once you have determined the cause of this guilt, you are able to think of the next steps to take in order to work through this emotion.
Tip #2: Make sure to avoid negative self-talk.
Nothing productive will come out of berating yourself into feeling more guilty than you already are. It can be easy to make blanket statements about your character and label yourself with untrue and mean things. Keep in mind thought, that one action does not
define who you are. Instead of thinking “I am a bad person,” ask yourself how you could have handled the situation differently. If you find that this is a difficult task, you can always think about giving yourself the same advice you would give to a friend. I know that if my friend came to me with the same situation, calling them a bad person would not even be an option, so why should we talk to ourselves in the same manner? I have always believed that good people do bad things sometimes, and if we learn from our mistakes, that is the most important thing.
Tip #3: Is there a reason to feel guilty?
Feeling guilty for prolonged periods of time is harmful and can morph into toxic guilt. This is not healthy, so think about whether the person has already moved on or forgiven you. If they have, there is no reason to feel guilty. If it helps, you can ask them how they feel. If they have forgiven you, there is no need to feel guilty. If they have not, you can work with them to make amends. Furthermore, sometimes we feel guilty because we are manipulated into feeling that way. This is where identifying the root cause of your guilt is helpful.
Tip #4: Think about the positive.
One way to combat a counterproductive way of speaking to yourself is to think about all the good things that you do for others instead of focusing on perceived wrongdoings. Make a list of all the things that make you a good person. Making a list of all the things that make you feel like a bad person may even help because you can put your thoughts on a “witness stand.” Using this method can allow you to critically think about each reason on your list and find evidence to support or negate each label.
Tip #5: Realizing that you have needs.
If you feel guilty for not showing up for your loved ones all the time, remind yourself that you have needs that need to be taken care of too. If you are worried about being selfish with your money, time, and energy, remember that it is impossible to go everywhere all the time. Remember that it is okay to take care of yourself because your needs are valid.
Tip #6: Establishing boundaries.
Sometimes, we feel guilty because our boundaries have been crossed. The good thing about introspection is that it provides us with an opportunity to think about what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with. It allows us to set our expectations in relationships and what ithers can expect from us. Conveying these will allow your loved ones to have clear boundaries and rules to abide by.
Tip #7: Making Amends.
If you have wronged someone, it helps to make amends and right our wrongs. The way you make amends will depend on the situation. Perhaps the situation calls for having a one-on-one conversation. Regardless, you may find that making amends will allow you to move past your guilt. If the individual is no longer in your life, however, or has moved
on, you can try and seek closure by writing a letter with all the things you wish to say to them. After, you can choose what you want to do with it.
It is vital to remember that there are always healthy ways to deal with emotions that may be thought of as unpleasant. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that no one is perfect. I have been a perfectionist my whole life, but I am realizing now that even good people make mistakes. If I hold myself up to a high standard, then I will always be in a rut, talking down to myself at the smallest infarctions. Making mistakes is good because they allow us to learn. It allows us to grow, and there is nothing better than that.
In the case that you find yourself unable to overcome your guilt, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional.